I'm currently sitting on the couch, towel on my head, sunglasses on (they're prescription and I can't find my normal glasses) and watching exercise infomercials. These "paid advertisements" are so painful, so so painful. Chuck Norris is in his 70s? He's looking good, I don't like beards, but he's looking good. Still not going to buy a total gym though Chuck. Soz.
It seems like I can't enjoy day-time television without having to encounter an advertisement that will "help me get into the best shape of my life" - well guess what, I've already been in the best shape of my life and I'm never getting it back. When was that? I was probably about 20, long skinny stick legs, big ol booty, flat stomach, I had it all. Four years on (yes I'm only 24) and things have changed, I will admit it... it hurts to say it... but I now have to exercise if I want to stay in shape. Agh, I feel sick.
There is so much pressure (more than I have ever experienced) to be "in shape" and I hate it. Social media is drenched in 'health/exercise nuts' between bloody Ashy Bines and Fitspiration, it makes me want to stab my eyes out. "Are you sure you want to block all notifications from Ashy Bines?" YES HELL YES I DO!!! GET THAT PHOTOSHOPPED BITCH OFF MY NEWSFEED! I'll stop because I don't want the Ashy-Bines-Army to come after me. I mean, good on you guys. I'm happy about it and I'm all for being healthy, it's just not for me. This one time I tried to diet and even did a cleanse. Day two into my cleanse I whimped out and secretly ate an entire bag of lollies - something I've been in denial about until this day*. It was a three day cleanse. I felt like I was dying. So I can't really eat healthy, I like sugar too much, so it's about exercise for me.
At 22 I joined a gym, but was a miserable failure at going. There was a hot gym instructor though (omg why do I have a raging boner today?) . I often found myself stumbling into him in a state of sweat and redness post-exercise. No one looks worse post-exercise than moi. Matted hair, red-faced, dripping with sweat, clammy, aching, shaking, it would be accurate to say I look like a pin-up girl for week-6 on P.
So when that didn't work I purchased a cross trainer. I used it, I still use it but only for about 10 minutes at a time. I just get SO BORED. I'm like; "Okay on the cross trainer, I'm gonna do half an hour.... Okay 15 minutes and do another 15 minutes later. Oh my god it's only been 3 minutes how am I meant to do 15? This is getting too hard, what level is this on? I need to get off! I NEED TO GET OFF!!! Oh good 8 minutes, I'll round that up to 10 by counting the minutes it took to get here."
That is my internal monologue.
Something I have been able to stick with however, is dancing. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. In order to stay fit...... I..... dance around in my bed room like a video slut.
How do you think Fergie got in such great shape?
So basically, I dance around to 'my humps' and other fantastic musical hits from the late 90s-early-2000s. It makes me feel great AND I stay in shape. I guess this goes hand-in-hand with my desire to be a famous singer. Because everyone knows if you're prepared to sing then you're prepared to dance. Unless you're Rick Ross, cause then you can just rap in a wheel chair.
I probably look like the most ridiculous idiot out but I don't care. And may I remind you how ridiculous I look now in my sunglasses and head-costume-towel. Oh no a Wen advertisement just came on. What happened Alyssa Milano? You were my idol in Charmed. Gotta go. I'm not a Wen girl.
*Omg I'm so sorry to my friend who is reading this and did the cleanse with me. She did super well and I'm so proud of her, but I failed. I failed miserably. BUT I LOVE LOLLIES!! It was a supply I was 'saving' for Christmas.... but who was I kidding? I can't keep lollies for longer than a day. It was always doomed.
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