Someone please tell me who is driving that car so I can have sex with them.

Tonight's blog post is the result of too much cider, heat exhaustion and Fast and the Furious 6. I'm actually enjoy this movie but there's a few things I'd like to broach before we really get to the essence of my purpose. Firstly, holy crap Vin Diesel's head - I can't even shave my legs to that precision. He must've had IPL on that bad boy, and google search brings up no images of him WITH hair, so I'm going with IPL.

Secondly, I love. LOVE. I need to use something stronger/worse than that. I'm passionate about the fact that Ludacris has a major role. It would appear he has produced a fair amount of hits for the movie-saga so it is only fitting that he plays a part. May I also remind you of this. SHIT NEEDS A GRAMMY!!

He's a ridiculous human but I love him for it. Even if he does have the same wardrobe stylist as Jim Carrey.

Luda did it first Jim. Go home.

Thirdly, for a car film this movie features a surprisingly shit amount of cars. There are like three cars in this entire movie. In fact most of the cars you see are police cars. This makes me impatient. I mean, it's like watching a porno and seeing no vijangle-jangle or in this case three. Now, I don't watch porno, but I can imagine for people that do this would be a pretty disappointing realisation. It's just not right.

So here's my guide to vijangle-jangle. HAHAHA I mean, here's my guide to what your car says about you. That really DID NOT segway as smoothly as I imagined. Everything is so much better in head - it's what I fear most about this blog.

Japanese-import coupe
I feel like my first impression from guys that drive this car is; 'where would you put a baby seat?'
Clearly you are a single (or recently single or just want to be single) male and you need to express this status through your car.

You're not afraid to let people know you don't want to commit to anything, especially babies and baby-equipment, and I like it.

But bucket seats are actually really uncomfortable. And you need a pretty decent wage to keep a thrashed-turbo car in working order. AKA will this cut into the fund of money you have set aside for me? Or will you just be dipping into this fund? Or did the 'girlfriend' fund never exist? I WANT ALL THE STUFF!! MAKE A FUND!

Also, will I be expected to pose in a bikini in heels and grind on aforementioned motor vehicle? Because lord knows that would end in a trip to the emergency room.

Plus, I don't have the required amount of hair extensions and/or fake tan to be a bona fied car slut.

Late-model sedan
In any form (BMW, Honda, Toyota) the late model sedan screams responsible. If it's a work car then I understand, free car, free petrol = ideal.

But if you went out and purchased this car because of it's ability to facilitate babies and baby-equipment. Then no. We're not going to have sex.

But bless you for trying.






Mid-to-early-90s sedan
See this is different, I have respect for people that drive these. These cars say 'I don't have a lot of money to spend on a car but I wanted a decent one and I don't know much about cars so I got something low maintenance.'

You have successfully gained my respect. Also, probably a girlfriend fund due to lack of car fund? Am I right?

 Hatch-back.
No.

Men in hatch backs are like knee-length denim skirts on women. What's the point? Are you trying to be cute? Because it's not working.

They serve no purpose for the male population. Don't drive them. There is also a possibility you could kick that front passengers seat forward and make room for the baby equipment.

Ute... possibly minitruck
If you drive a ute and you need a ute then I'm not one going to argue with that logic.
If your ute features flames and chrome wheels however, I can argue with logic. Please refer to my earlier notes on the girlfriend fund.
Also, will you have sex with the ute more than me? It's a possibility and I'm not prepared to gamble on it.

Finally, the muscle/vintage car
Something I've noticed about owners of these sorts of vehicles is that they're cars are typically cleaner than themselves.

If you clean your car more than you clean your person.. well. That's just disgusting.

But I admire the work required to go into these cars. I do question people that drive them as they look more expensive than the jap-imports-come-turbos. SO HOW DID YOU AFFORD THIS MID-LIFE-CRISIS-ON-WHEELS. Again, reference girl friend fund. But also very impractical for a baby... so it's perched quite nicely on the fence.

Oh and by the way, I never nor have I ever slept with anyone based on their car. But if I was to do so it would based on the information above. But I'm not.

Hopefully this helps you or a friend who is single and wondering what he is doing wrong. I realise I missed out station wagons, V8's, convertibles, european cars, and SUV's. But this is all I really had time for.

OH MY GOD VIN DESIEL JUST BEAT UP THE ROCK AND IT WAS AMAZING.

G2G xxxxxxxxxxxxx